Audition Monologues

CHARLIE:          

Sometimes I’m not sure if I understand the world around me. My family always told me to look out for other people, to be nice, to be a friend to everyone; but nobody seems to want to be my friend. I’m alone, and no matter how hard I try to turn things around it seems that bad luck follows me everywhere. I try and be positive and see the good in the world, but all the world wants to show me is it’s meanness, how ruthless it can be, and it’s at times like these that I wonder what it would be like to live in a world of your own, one that’s colourful and friendly, one full of sweet treats and happiness, that would be my world. Wait a minute, what’s this! 50p! I’ll take it home and give it to Mum! [He looks to the shop, looks back to the audience, looks at the coin] Hmmm. I shouldn’t. [repeats looking again] I will! [he runs over to the shop] One Wonka Whipple-Scrumptious Fudge-Mallow Delight please. 

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MIKE TEEVEE:

MIKE:   It’s impossible. You don’t understand anything about science.

WONKA:             You don’t understand anything about television.

MIKE:   Sure, I do.  You photograph something, and then the photograph is split up into millions of tiny pieces, and they go whizzing through the air down to your TV set where they're all put together again in the right order.

WONKA:             If they can do it with a photograph, why can't I do it with a bar of chocolate?"  I shall now send this chocolate bar from one end of the room to the other. Goggles on, please. Lights, camera, action!

[Blackout. The bar has moved.]

MIKE: Mr. Wonka, can you send other things?  Not just chocolate, I mean.

WONKA:            Anything you like.

MIKE: What about . . . people?

WONKA:            Well why would I want to send people, they don’t taste very good at all. 

MIKE:   Don’t you realise what you’ve invented? It’s a teleporter. It’s the most important invention in human history, and all you can think about is chocolate. 

MRS TEEVEE: Calm down Mike, I think Mr Wonka knows what he’s talking about. 

MIKE:                     No he doesn’t. He has no idea. You think he’s a genius, but he’s an idiot. But I’m not. I'm gonna be the first person in the world to be sent by television!

MRS TEEVEE:                  Mike, get away from that thing!

MIKE: Lights, camera, action!

VERRUCA:

VERRUCA:       Cutesy-woostie squirrels!! 

WONKA:         Oh, Verruca. These are not “cutesy-wootsie squirrels”! These are highly skilled factory operatives. 

VERRUCA:       Daddy, I want a squirrel. Get me one of those squirrels. I want one. 

MR SALT:           Verruca, dear, you have many marvellous pets. 

VERRUCA:       All I've got at home is one pony and two dogs and four cats and six rabbits and two parakeets and three canaries and a green parrot and a turtle and a silly old hamster. I want a squirrel! 

MR SALT:           All right, pet. Daddy will get you a squirrel just as soon as he possibly can. 

VERRUCA:        But I don't want any old squirrel, I want a trained squirrel. 

MR SALT:           Very well. Mr Wonka, how much do you want for one of these squirrels? Name your price. 

WONKA:            Oh, they're not for sale. She can't have one. 

VERRUCA:       Daddy.

WONKA:            They're not for sale. 

MR. SALT:          Name your price.

WONKA:            She can't have one.

VERRUCA:       Just one squiwwel fwor wittle verwuca! 

WONKA:            No. 

VERRUCA:       No? 

WONKA:            Yes: no. 

VERRUCA:       No one says “no” to Verruca Salt. If you won't get me a squirrel, I'll get one myself. 

MR SALT:           Veruca.

VERRUCA:       oh squirrel! little squirrel! Come to Mummy! 

VIOLET:                 

Well, my name is Violet Beauregarde and I like gum. I chew so good it’s made me the sensation I’ve become. For over half a year, well, I’ve been blowin’ this bazooka. It’s fruity, not nutty, like that stupid girl Veruca. You’ll find my competition are in traction or on crutches. And that is why my title is the Double Bubble Duchess. 

Well, it started as a baby 'cause I talked a mile a minute. My mama thought my mouth would stop if she put something in it. No matter what she gave me, I could chew with inspiration. I started breaking records with my dental dedication.
When I heard about the contest, I joined the chocolate war. I may love chewing gum, but I like winning even more. I bought a Wonka bar and I won a Golden Ticket. So now it seems I’m famous, I’m all over the TV. Cornelia Prinzmetal, she’s as jealous as can be. The movies are all calling, and the networks are pursuing. I bet my mom could even sell this juicy fruit I’m chewing.

GRANDPA JOE:           

Charlie, get my uniform from high upon the shelf and dust off all the years since it’s been worn. I admit for quite a while I haven’t been myself, but spread the news! A new Joe has been born. Though I haven’t walked in years, I’ll change my oil and check my gears, give my hair a clip and whip my shaving cream. But don'cha pinch me, Charlie. I don’t wanna wake up from this golden dream. Oh, Charlie, if I’m sleepin’ Let my dreaming heart keep leapin’ Cause the cabbage-y days have gone without a trace. 

OOMPA LOOMPA:

A dramatic Oompa Loompa enters holding a chocolate egg.

THESPIAN LOOMPA:                      To eat or not to eat, that is the question. To eat, that is the answer. But not right now, that would be weird, with everybody watching, no - I will hide in the cleaning closet and eat it there alone, away from prying eyes. By the licking of my thumbs something sweet this way comes. 

Thespian Loompa puts down the chocolate egg.

THESPIAN LOOMPA:                      Keith Huffunnuffun, that bore from HR, is putting a ration on all things sugar. Now is the winter of our discontent. Something will have to be done about Huffunnuffun… if it were done when ‘tis done, then ‘twere well it were done quickly. I’ll have to eat the whole thing, there’s nothing else for it. Wait, where did I put my… Chocolate, chocolate, wherefore art thou chocolate? Oh darn, what am I going to do!? A chocolate, a chocolate, my kingdom for a chocolate! Ah well, the course of true love never did run smooth. 

A voice from off-stage whispers to Thespian Loompa.

THESPIAN LOOMPA:    What? Already? But I have a few more. Oh alright!

Thespian Loompa bows dramatically and exits.

WONKA:         Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present: The Mixing Room. Now this room is where I mix all the fruity essences that make my flavours. I put them altogether in this vat and then I just see what comes out. It’s a dangerous business, please I insist, no touching, no meddling, and absolutely no tasting without my expressed permission. Agreed? I made a batch of flying saucers you could power a radio station with! A complete waste of time, but beautiful nevertheless. That one won’t be sold in your local shops… But the inventing room is where I bring my greatest creations to life – everlasting gob-stoppers, never-melting ice-cream, anything that you have ever loved to eat came from this room. Why do I make it all, you ask? You really don’t see do you? A painter needs no reason to make a thing of art. A poet sits for hours with words upon his tongue so if you taste my flowers you’ll see that I’m among that certain group, that lucky troupe for whom it’s simply second nature to wish away the grey. To take a liquorice stick and make a tree. There’s no rhyme or reason I was simply made this way. What’s strange to you is natural to me. I’m simply a creative!